Cinema

Prize-giving

Peter Ackroyd Here are the Spectator Film Awards for 1982. The prizes, this year, are purely honorary; the committee debated the possibility of handing out some unattractive 19th-century paintings, but this was con- sidered to be a little vulgar under the cir- cumstances. 'We don't want to lower the tone of the film column,' one of the judges remarked, to a murmur of general agree- ment. There were several categories of awards this year, and the number of films considered was so great that it is possible that one or two have been placed in the

wrong heading.

Most Over-praised Film of the Year. This was a difficult one, with each judge arguing fiercely on behalf of his or her own choice. Having eliminated several Australian films, and some interestingly bad new work from independent English directors, we agreed to share the prize between three films: On Golden Pond, a film starrng Katharine Hepburn and Henry Fondai 'a grotesque parody of old age'; Gandhi, a film by Sir Richard Attenborough about the Mahat- ma: 'the material of American soap opera'; Angel, a story of irrational violence set in Northern Ireland: 'up to that province's usual standard of sentiment and rhetoric'. Most Under-praised Film of the Year. Here we had difficulty in picking an outright win- ner, principally because there were few films which were not hailed in one newspaper or other as a 'masterpiece', 'an important contribution to the cinema', or 'outrageously, uproariously funny'. By general consent, however, we agreed upon Lindsay Anderson's Britannia Hospital, an extremely funny film about the decline of Britain, which had the misfortune to be re- leased at the height of the Falklands crisis. The Ugliest Actor of the Year. There was

no dissension on the choice of performer in this category, and the award went to Divine, the male transvestite who starred in

Polyester. Comments ranged from 'a natural disaster' to 'a Notre Dame made out of suet'. The excessive use of make-up came in for especial commendation. Best Sets of the Year. A posthumous award here for Edward Hopper, the American painter whose cold and realistic interiors

have been imitated or borrowed in a large number of American films this year: 'It would be difficult to think of an artist whose work has been so abused by second- rate directors, for the purposes of creating an "atmosphere" which the script and the actors could not suggest.°

Strangest Film of the Year. The award was split between two equally incomprehensible films: Diva, which managed to combine opera and industrial spying, murder and

romance, in so stylish a way that it was im-

possible to disentangle them. Passione d'Amore, an Italian picture which showed

the ruthlessness and determination of an ugly woman in eliciting pity from a young soldier. The judges were undecided whether it was meant to be a comedy or a tragedy, or both.

Worst Film of the Year. It had to be The Wall, made by Alan Parker and with music by the Pink Floyd: 'sheer hell from begin-

ning to end'.

Best Film of the Year. By common consent, Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors. We were unable to award this prize because none of

the judges could pronounce the name of its Russian director. It was not known whether he was dead, or in prison.

Best Actor of the Year: Robby Benson playing a Jewish boy in The Chosen. Special awards in this category also went to Sir John Gielgud and Jack Nicholson for managing to play the same part through a wide range of different characters and dif-

ferent films. `If they were to play opposite each other, they would be an unbeatable combination. Like a tank battle during the last war.'

Films Which Are No Doubt About to be Made but Which Should be Abandoned Before Any More Harm is Done. Here a strong plea was entered against any attempt to film the next Secret Policeman's Ball:

`the public just won't stand for it'. The panel also strongly advised Italian film- makers to avoid making any more films about Italian peasant life during the second world war: 'enough is enough'.

Best Critic of the Year. Another difficult

category, since some of the judges were unaware of the existence of any film critics. Eventually, after a prolonged silence, one member of the panel suggested that the award be given to a magazine critic whose column he had read while flying over the Atlantic. He could not quite recall the critic's name, but he remembered that the

gentleman had disliked E.T. and had remarked of the revolting little doll which

appears in it: 'This is the kind of thing which English children would boil and eat.'

Worst Critic of the Year. Unanimous agree- ment here that the award be given for the third successive year to Peter Ackroyd, film critic of the Spectator. As usual, many reasons were offered for this decision, We disregarded the familiar ones and decided this year that he be awarded for persistently refusing to take the cinema seriously, for non-attendance at press previews on the grounds that they were held too early in the morning, and for his lamentable failure ever to be quoted in any advertisement for any film. Mr Ackroyd was not present, and the award was accepted by a young maw who claimed to know him.