No. 1352: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for some improbable forecasts, in verse or prose, for the present year.

Any prediction made by more than one of you — such as that the next English cricket team will consist entirely of women, that Peregrine Worsthorne will be given a peerage or Jeffrey Bernard acquire a wife — seemed to me ipso facto to contain a grain of probability and so forfeited marks. Fasten your seat-belts for a bumpy ride into 1985, during which we are apparently going to witness: Rudolf Hess's release, Turkey's victory in the Eurovision Song Contest, Bernard Levin taking part in the London Marathon (training on a no- Wagner diet), the Times publishing pre- viously undiscovered poetry by Bernard Shaw, Hilda Ogden having Sue Ellen's baby, Tam Dalyell revealing important seismological evidence that the sinking of the Belgrano was the cause of the drought in Ethiopia — and, of course, the sighting of flying pigs. Rob Hull forecast the plummeting of British Telecom shares fol- lowing a rumour that Aids can be transmit- ted along telephone wires, but lost incredi- bility by also prematurely announcing that the Spectator will start a bingo competition this summer.

The five competitors whose crystal balls shone brightest and most eerily are printed below and earn £10 each. The bonus bottle of Pol Roger White Foil Champagne (NV), presented by the distributors Dent and Reuss, goes to Bridget M. Rees for a nice bit of scrying.

In Eighty-Five, the Year Beyond the End, The troubles of the earth will start to mend, Albanians rise to reinstate their kings, The dollar fall — and snow on Alice Springs Harrods move elsewhere, Reagan praise Mahomet, And Patrick Moore not mention Halley's Comet; June will restore the Sunday post-collection, Labour will win a Bromley by-election, Fleet Street in August snub some prince's hooker,

A bodice-ripper carry off the Booker,

Red troops show their good will by quitting Kabul— And I'll score triple QUARTZ at Christmas Scrabble.

(Bridget M. Rees) January: Holy Grail discovered in Swiss bank vault.

February: Castro defects to US, with two dozen crates of cigars.

March: 3-minute mile run by barefoot Eskimo. April: First head transplant.

May: Retired decorator Adolf Hitler found living in Macclesfield.

June: Russians decide to dismantle Berlin Wall. July: Arthur Scargill calls off miners' strike. Accepts knighthood.

August: Life discovered on Mars. 'They all seem to be Michael Jackson look-alikes,' says per- plexed space-probe leader.

September: Frank Sinatra decides to run for Presidency.

October: Greenland leaves EEC. Falklands applies for membership.

November: Major powers agree to total ban on nuclear weapons.

December: Andorra tests newly-developed Ox- ygen Bomb.

(Ron Rubin) In Jan. a white-haired Reagan ditches Cruise; Feb. sees a slimline Cyril Smith leave Lancs; In March it's full employment makes the news; While April's no-tax Budget stuns the ranks; In May the Soviets own that they deceive us; Next June is dry — apart from Geoffrey Howe; July sees Hong Kong pleading 'Never leave us!' In August Durham takes his Trappist vow. In Sept. Ken Livingstone weds a Sloane Ranger; October: Scargill reigns at Number Ten; November sees the end of nuclear danger; December: Britain rules the world again!

(Douglas A. Grosvenor) The Pope admits that maybe God Would not find women priests so odd.

A dolphin skilled in human speech Arrives upon a Cornish beach.

Sensation when the Koh-i-Noor Is stolen by a trained jackdaw.

At Scotland Yard an ex-nun's head.

Again Svetlana's westwards fled.

The Sun and Saturn are opposed.

This year reveals The Mousetrap closed, And — more! — in 1985 The missing links is found — alive!

(George Moor) January 20. Doctors baffled by widespread acute laryngitis — sufferers losing power of speech or able to speak only in whispers. Outbreak assumes epidemic proportions in South Wales and Yorkshire where pickets, no longer able to shout, make only rude gestures at working miners. Mr Scargill attempts to orate with use of the manual signs for the hard of hearing. He claims he has evidence that the epidemic is a form of myxomatosis which is being spread to coalfields by agents of the Government.

January 25. Mr Terry Waite (C of E) calls representatives of the mining industry together for a hymn and a prayer and the coal strike is reported to be settled.

January 30. Epidemic laryngitis reaches North- ern Ireland. Mr Ian Paisley affected. Believing that he has been afflicted with a fatal disease, he converts to Catholicism. 'Better one of them to die,' he says, 'than one of us.'

(Ralph Sadler)