AFTERTHOUGHT
LOOK!
this has gone far enough
Sid Freud is seventy-three and lives with a midget. 'I used to work in a freak show way back. I used to keep Little Herbert here in a cardboard box, and charge the people six- pence each to peep through the hole in the lid. Then the bottom fell out of that on ac- count of the public hungering after new sensations, so I used to do an all-in wrestling act with him. The Little Terror v the Mighty Mauler. I used to pick him up by the ankles, bang his nut on the floor a couple of times, then swing him round my head and fling him out through the door. Then tilt public got tired of that, as did Little Herbert, and I devised a new act entitled The Strange Ones. Public used to file through the tent, and there was us sitting up in bed holding hands. Then we started brightening the aot up a bit and I got done by the DPP for Filth. I reckon we'd have starved to death if it hadn't been for the Sunday Times. They sent this man down in a mauve suit with a tape recorder. Little Herbert pipes up and says we're Lesbian Lovers, and the Sunday Times geezer starts trembling all over, flutters his eyelashes, and goes off in a dead faint. Next thing I know we get this huge cheque, and they've asked Little Herbert to do them a weekly column. It's cruel if you ask me, letting him make an exhibition of himself in that kind of com- pany, Starke Barkin When I wrote my first pome They put me in a home: Now I sell my rhymes To the Sunday Thymes For quite a lot of money. Sam Cretin
Any old irony
Old rope, you might think in your mad- dening way, could be worth quite a lot of money. And of course you'd be maddeningly and absolutely right. But where to sell it?, That is the question. Well, with the cos- termonger's barrow gone out with the old cock linnet, where better than LOOK!? Marvellously dotty little drawings, and maddeningly bright advertising copy by maddening old one. Tiny Plug £15, Dotty Mention £50, Super Plug £100-£500, all from 'Advertising', Thomson House, Grays' Inn Road, wcl. (Only joking, sweeties; one only does it for love.) Beatid von Pilla de Post LOONISEX : Her: Eyepatch from Pew's of Tulse Hill at 55s, hook from L. J. Silver's Nautical Supplies, Bristol at 7s 6d, grizzled chest wig with plastic warts from Monsterama of Old Compton Street at 21s. Him: Hat from I was Lord Kitchener's Granny at 55 gns, Boa from Gaytime at 40 gns, and see-thru dress from Chelsea Girl at 17 gns.
Hello I am an Eskimo I live in the snow Not many people can say that.
Shirley Bassett-Thylige
My blue honeymoon
Fanny is a navvy and is forty-nine. Ten years ago she discovered that her husband was having an affair with a snake. Two years ago he fell in love with a mongoose and has now gone to live with it.
'He's thirty years older than me. He writes musical comedies. Socially there is a yawn- ing abyss between us, but I was ready to forgive him his orchid and his silver- knobbed cane. I believed I could give him what he had coming to him. I was digging up the road in Shaftesbury Avenue the first time I saw him. He was standing on the corner of Frith Street spraying scent over himself. I couldn't resist him. It was love at first sight. I threw him down on the gas main we were working on and had him there and then. 'It is unbearably painful for me to remember how happy we were at first. I beat him from time to time, but they were only lovers' tiffs. Then I cracked a stone sundial over his head and he had to go to the hospital, and after that he became unresponsive to my lovemaking. He •must have known that I have never been attracted to dribbling, mentally deranged old men swinging about on crutches, and yet that was what he had become. He had always been hopeless at it anyway. At the moment I am working on the Ponder's End Extension and in the evenings in a marriage guidance clinic. It's rough work, but it leaves me pleasantly tired.'
Starke Barkin O blimey What is there to write poems about any more?
Writing them bores me so stiff My whole body is like an ironing board.
Piers Gingold
The night these old birds took my trousers off By Runter Mummy
Self-abuse is a pretty boring old pastime one way and another but for a bit of a change I Contd p57
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