"Spectator" Conference for Personal Problems

Family Constellation

[The SPECTATOR Conference offers to readers a service of advice on personal problems in which they would like impartial help. The Editor has appointed a committee, the members of which are themselves engaged in the practical work of life; in one way or another they have met, and are meeting, a great variety of problems in their own experience. They do not

wish to be regarded as authorities ; but they give their good will and their knowledge to all questions which are referred to

them. Readers' inquiries are dealt with in strict confidence ; they are seen only by members of the Conference, and they are answered by private correspondence. Letters should be addressed to the Conference on Personal Problems, clo the SPECTATOR, 13 York Street, Covent Garden, W.C. 2.] TILE position of a child in the family colours his whole attitude. We can see it reflected in his tones of voice, postures and movements, in his methods of dealing with an unfamiliar situation, in everything he does or says. Not only so : every adult retains a great deal of his childhood adaptation, and a knowledge of the types of behaviour which most com- monly rise will help us to understand our fellow-adults as much as our children.

Before we can understand the different types of adaptation, however, we must grasp the theme which runs through them. The child is invariably in an " inferior " position. He is weaker than we are, he is dependent upon us, and he has less ability to enforce his own will. Much of our character is built up on the striving in childhood to ensure recognition for our own point of view ; to keep and increase the " little strength " of which we are possessed. Wherever barriers are put in the way of a child's development, he will accentuate the struggle for recognition of his own person : and he will then even caricature the type into which he would naturally_ fall.

ELDEST CHILD.—Among eldest children will be found the most conservative and, sometimes, the most responsible of our fellow-men. They have held the position of advantage amongst their brothers and sisters ; and it seems obvious to them that the present distribution of power and the present social order should be preserved without question. The position of privilege accorded to the first-born is confirmed by our own laws and customs. He is the inheritor of the family name and position. Power seems to him something concrete and natural : he takes it for granted as his own birthright.

Where he is hard pref.ced by his younger brothers and sisters he may become imperious in manner and even pompous. If he is unsettled over his own faculty of fulfilling his position successfully, he becomes " grumpy," feeling that he fails to secure the privileges tint he deserves. It should be ren?em_ bered, too, that the birth of a younger child is often a shock to the child next ahead of him. He feels that his favoured position has been taken from him by an intruder ; and unless he is shown that he has not ceased to occupy his parent's affections, he may bear a life-long unconscious grudge. Every eldest child has been, for some time, in the position of an only child.

SECOND-BORN.--A second child is very easily recognized. He has always been in the position of having someone ahead of him, and he presents the picture of someone who is per- petually trying to " catch up." His manner is eager and tense. He is often over-emphatic in his gestures and tones. He may get ahead of his brother by a subterfuge—scoring by sarcasm, for example, or developing very high moral standards and ideals. Indeed, he may set his standard for himself so high that he Suffers all his life from an inability to reconcile theory and practice.

If he is encouraged in his development, he may advance with great speed.. The challenge of his elder brother's attainments wakens him up, and he is usually ahead of other boys of his own age. If he suffers a setback, he may relapse into stupidity and despair. He is not concerned, as his elder brother is, with consolidating his achievements, but he is impatient and anxious to move forward to the next success. The testing of his own attainments and his moods of self-dissatisfaction are thus particularly frequent and restless ; and he is intolerant of reverses.

YOUNGEST Cnno.—The peculiar position of the youngest

child has always been pointed out in fables and fairy stories. Generally, he is the pet of the family. He fords that he can best gain his ends by being amiable and pleasant ; and he often attains a great charm of manner. Still more frequently, however, we find him wanting a new world in which to exercise his powers. All the achievements and adaptations seem to him to have been taken up already by his elders. He wishes to be central and unique, and to accomplish something hitherto unheard of.

It is for this reason that so many younger children have been pioneers and explorers, or have settled in foreign coun- tries. The tale of Joseph in the Old Testament gives us a typical example of the psychology of a youngest child. Joseph saw in his dreams the whole of his family overshadowed by himself, and proceeded to make for himself a position of unique splendour. When his brothers came to visit him in Egypt he had succeeded in inverting the roles. By now he had achieved the place of supreme strength ; he had become the first.

The most ambitious men will always be found among youngest children : but it is as possible to be ambitious and lazy as ambitious and active. Where a youngest child feels that he cannot achieve his unique position by working for it, he may adopt the plan of continuing defenceless, and relying on the support of his elders. He wrings the last ounce out of his situation as pet of the family, and even in adult life expects that everything should be done for him by others.

ONLY CRILD.—The most difficult position of all is to be an only child. Even in adult life, the only child behaves as if he

were a Phoenix, and all other people should see his extra- ordinary value and importance. True human equality is almost beyond his powers of conception. His own plans, his own thoughts and interests, are paramount ; and he cannot understand why they are not immediately adopted by other people. There are really two kinds of beings to him : himself and other people ; and it is an arduous process for him to find a bridge between them.

Another factor which causes him trouble is the value which his parents are forced to put upon him. He is their only hope of posterity ; and it is natural for them to be unusually anxious over his health, and to frighten him away from danger and risks. Thus only children often grow up to be especially cautious, with a deep fear of all obstacles and difficulties.

They are hard to co-operate with in work, and they have not sufficient understanding of others to take the lead successfully.

It will be seen that these troubles will be still further increased if the motive of the parents in having one child only has been " safety," economy and distrust of their own abilities. The child will have little means of correcting their attitude by comparisons with other children and parents.

No situation is inevitably unfortunate ; and parents who know the influence which the situation is likely to exert can take measures to remedy its disadvantages. In every case it is imperative that children should have friends and comrades of their own age outside the house, as well as affection and care within it ; and this adjustment is more than ever urgent with only children. It is their main chance of reaching self- sufficiency and understanding of their fellows in later life.

BOYS AND Gnus.—The higher value put upon the male sex is still disastrously prominent in our own civilization. The effect of this difference begins to show itself from our earliest years. Girls who meet with difficulties in their development almost invariably wish they had been boys, and set down their misfortunes to their sex. Boys are urged forward to fulfil the part of strength which masculinity is taken to imply. We might almost say that the incidence of this distinction in values falls equally heavily on both sexes : women often behave in all their actions as if they wished to be men : but men as frequently show the same desire. A few days ago a man who was summoned at a law court for throwing the household furniture at his wife explained that he did it " to show that he was a man."

ALAN PORTER,