Low life
No picnic
Jeffrey Bernard
Ifind it quite extraordinary that people don't get heavy fines for picking their noses in public yet Taki should get four months in the slammer for sniffing. And why aren't there labels on bottles of spirits, as there are on fags saying, 'Danger: Government Health Warning: Drinking can Seriously Damage Your Health.' Come to that, why haven't women got labels on their foreheads saying, 'Danger: Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, genitals, current account, confidence, razor blades and good standing among your friends. The Government, Establishment and the law should get their priorities right. Myself and quite a few of my friends, from time to time, tend to behave like pigs. Yet we do nothing that is legally punishable by four months in the nick. We do things that should be punishable though, like boring each other and stabbing our loved ones in the back, but we don't get our just deserts for it — four months. I'm biased, of course, Taki is a nice chap. I didn't see him go down because I was in the Coach and Horses trying to make a new female acquaintance extremely unhappy, but when the news of the result of the appeal came over the blower I felt a bit sick. Norman didn't help either. That man exudes Schadenfreude. He simply said, 'I wonder what they're serving for lunch today in the Scrubs.'
Since then, I've been racking my brains in an effort to find some sort of consolation for a dearly and temporarily departed friend. Firstly I think there's a small sort of chance that he might make some better friends than he's ever made in Berkeley Square or Monte Carlo. But we musn't glamorise criminals. The worst ones are simply mindless and Taki could get a mite bored. Some of them though are cards. A friend of mine — damn the bloody libel laws — who was inside for four years used to play bridge with two of his mates plus a famous Member of the House who was also banged up. Picture it. Three villains from the East End playing contract bridge with an MP who could't honour a contract of any sort and they discover him cheating! It's not just stupidly dishonourable — he could have got killed. It says something for Members of the House. When my friend met the MP a couple of years later after they'd both been released the first thing the MP did was to tap him for a tenner.
I don't think Taki will take kindly to the food, but if you've been to a public school then the rest of life is a holiday. National Service would have prepared him even better for the nick. My man who did the four stretch tells me that the food in Ford
open prison is even better than it is in the Coach and Horses. The lack of booze won't hurt him much since he isn't a serious drinker but obviously he'll miss the bosom of his family. I had the bosom of a family once and when she left me in a car that I still hadn't finished paying for I was quite desolate. Still, I suppose being banged up at this time of year is one way of avoiding Christmas although they'll no doubt lay on turkey with all the trimmings. Now, briefly, reflect on that appalling phrase all the trimmings. That is England at her worst. It's dreadful that such boredom should be thought of as a treat. Tomorrow I shall walk into a cafe and ask for a cup of tea with all the trimmings. Tonight I shall ask my girlfriend to come home with me with all the trimmings — a row, a drink, recriminations, impotence and a cup of tea in the morning. I just knew that there was something worse than being in the nick. But, if there isn't, then I shall think kindly of him, miss him and visit him with a cake from Fortnum's containing a file from Mappin & Webb.
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