COMPETITION

Anniversary

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 1802 I invited You to compose mottoes in prose or verse for corkscrews, umbrella-handles, typewri- ters, telephones or any other useful every- day objects.

This was a pleasant trip down memory lane, enhanced by one winner of the same Competition 14 years ago (Paul Griffin) winning again second time round. Since two competitors produced 'I have time on my hands' for a clock motto, I concluded that this was more than coincidence and disallowed it. Richard Blomfield sent in a nice rhyme about a gooseberry bush, but I couldn't quite see it as a 'useful everyday object', so he fell by the wayside too. The prizewinners, printed below, get £6 for one-liners and £12 for verse of whatev- er length. The bonus bottle of Drum- mond's Pure Malt Scotch whisky goes to Mary Holtby, who, like four other prizewinners this week, lives in Yorkshire. The air must be stimulating up there.

Twister, make sure your lie will fit: Wrong angles see the substance split. He who would reach his right true end In upright spiral must descend; Success attends the practised pull. A flawless bottle, clear and full, The patient applicant awaits,

Who firmly grips as he gyrates (Corkscrew: Mary Holtby) From brogues that scuff and boots that thud And infant trainers caked with mud, From pumps that mince and mules that creep And cruel stilettos digging deep, From shoes of every nameless race That come to grind your hapless face, Endure that spite of sole and heel (They'll never ask you how you feel).

(Doormat: Chris Tingley)

I am a spade, I make no grander claim. Pray do not call me by another name.

(Noel Petty) Mine is the lordly surgery that makes

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Piscean fillets to delight your lips; I carved those halibuts, those salmon steaks, And mine the plaice that launched a thousand chips.

(Fish-slice: Paul Griffin) am the button-box.

I save you from the ads.

I help you to outfox The programme planners' fads.

No need to leave your seat To change your TV's scope, Switch from the dull repeat To the still duller soap. (Gerard Benson) Numbers slip your busy mind? Calculations bore you?

Classroom maths left far behind? Let me do it for you.

(Calculator: Basil Ransome-Davies What though I'm cruelly twisted?

Just you wait.

When fairly used I'll draw your cork Out straight. (Hazel Sweetman) Spare a thought for this coat-hanger: It's your shoulders' doppelganger.

(Alanna Blake) Stand firm in the midst of change.

(Cash-till: R. J. Pickles) I accept refuse. (Dustbin: D. Shepherd) Divided we stand, united we fall.

(Pair of steps: D. Shepherd) Ubi tu ego quoque. (Mobile phone: Brian Dee) Ich dien, nicht wahr?

(Tennis racket: David Heaton)