Quite another story

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 2309 you were invited to pluck a newspaper heading and attach to it your own surprising story very different from the original one.

Hasten to your newsagent and buy the 175th anniversary issue of The Spectator. It contains a feast of good writing including our views on the Reform Bill and the introduction of the penny post, an account of the famous libel case in which we defended our description of the riotous behaviour of three famous Labour politicians in Venice, a brilliant essay on 'Bores' and even a resurrection of my competition of 1980 in which I asked for a parody of Graham Greene and unwittingly awarded prizes to his brother and sister but denied him one. And — it is a revelation almost worth the £4.95 you'll have to pay for it — my cover is blown, my real name is revealed: Jaspistos is rumbled! Revenons a nos moutons. The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the case of Cobra Premium beer goes to Mark Powlson, whose headline (from the Sun of course) was amusingly subtitled `Maradona used fake willy to dodge drug tests'.

'Gland of God'

Forget the Turin shroud! Outrage has been caused in conventional religious circles by the latest claims of Pastor Larry Clint, self-styled prophet of the 'Worldwide Church of the Penultimate Revelation', based in Empowerment, Nebraska. No stranger to controversy after the networked service in which he changed wine into water, Pastor Clint now claims to have been granted an audience with God on a recent tour of the Holy Land, during which the Almighty imbued him with the power of His left testicle and charged him to rid the world of infertility. Already his commune has become a mecca for women seeking his personal chrism. Police and the FBI are powerless, but have alerted the Internal Revenue Service and the Inquisition.

Mark Powlson 'Taco mobile arm aims for 2m users' Launched with the catchy slogan 'Many hands make light work', a major supermarket chain is developing accessory limbs to simplify life for harassed mothers attempting simultaneously to control toddlers, push trolleys, grab groceries and push up their sunglasses. Attached to a lightweight jerkin. each computer-controlled arm can lift 15 kilos, extend to one metre and thread a medium-size needle. 'We recommend buyers initially operate only one,' said a spokesman, 'and develop expertise before adding additional arms.' Problems have occurred when multi-tasking executives tried to feed infants with ink and sign business deals in mashed banana, hut take-up of the £1,500 limbs is brisk. No woman can again offer the excuse that she only has one pair of hands.

D.A. Prince 'Margaret Hodge forced to take back seat' After weeks of intense speculation, the so-called Seat of Government mystery was solved in sensational fashion yesterday when police carried out a dawn raid on the home of Children's Minister Margaret Hodge. The media had been alerted, and cameras rolled as she emerged grimfaced, followed by an officer carrying the priceless Louis Quinze chair which disappeared from 10 Downing Street two months ago.

Asked to explain her actions, the minister was defiant. 'Ed been trying to get in to see Tony for days, but they kept telling me to take a seat, so I did. But hey, if he wants it back he can have it. See if I care.'

Kate hying 'Pinkie still perky' It's official. The pink pound is no longer a mere metaphor but has now become a fiscal reality. The gay community's own currency is meeting with increased acceptance in urban areas. The pink bank notes, attractively designed by David Hockncy, please the eye without looking like Monopoly money, and the new currency is now even stronger than the more established San Francisco dollar. This is a trend that could spread across Europe, with the launch of the gay guilder and the camp krona thought to be imminent. The obvious financial buoyancy of the gay community, together with widespread European resistance to the single currency, is inducing many to leap aboard a bandwagon that now looks unstoppable.

Keith Norman 'Discretion for police over cannabis' Metropolitan police officers are being urged to confine their use of cannabis to 'non-public locations' after recent relaxation in official attitudes to the drug. The sight of policemen and women openly sharing a joint has become familiar on London's streets, and the feeling is that it sends the wrong message to the public.

A Scotland Yard insider explained, 'It all started with the Notting Hill Carnival, just as a friendly bit of PR. Now half the force are spliffheads, and not very cool with it. All we're asking is that they be discreet and occasionally when they bust a dealer they keep some of the evidence for use in a prosecution. Who loves ya, baby?'

Basil Rans-ome-Davies 'Peers cay only a 'fix" will ban fox hunting'

In an attempt to balance competing interests, a House of Lords working party today launched a surprise by reporting in favour of a substitute leisure activity for those who will be losing the right to hunt thanks to forthcoming legislation.

Noting that heroin is a common resource for those with time on their hands, the report recommends that, as an 'imaginative compromise', free diamorphine be made available for hunt members deprived of their traditional pursuits. Quality of product and continuity of supply will be guaranteed. The intention is that rage and grief — or worse — will be supplanted by indolence and apathy, and the heat will go out of the fox-hunting debate, bringing peace to the countryside.

G.M Davis

No. 2312: Acrostic You are invited to provide an apt poem in which the first letters of the lines spell out the name of a famous or infamous person. Maximum 16 lines. Entries to 'Competition No. 2312' by 16 October.