COMPETITION

Ta to to

Jaspistos

I N Competition No. 1474 you were invited to supply a thank-you letter to a thank-you letter and also the reply to it.

Someone once told me that truly stylish thank-you letters never contain the words thank you', but that is as silly as the advice never to tell a girl you love her even, or especially, if you do. Thank you, there- fore, for a lively entry. I enjoyed Peter Norman's grateful (for the tie) nephew: 'I was so pleased that you were pleased that I was pleased with it. Whenever I wear it I shall think of you thinking of me thinking of you thinking of me.' Also Basil Ransome-Davies's member of the Mutual Admiration Society: `Your intimate, exotic but unpretentious use of French struck just the right note, and to follow it with such a well-judged choice of the semi-colon and a precisely wrought subjunctive conditional was so thoughtful.' The winners get £15 each, and George Moor, tongue in cheek, makes off with the last bonus bottle of Mumm's Cordon Bleu Champagne, the. gift of Mr Gaston Berlemont, who has been our generous patron for six weeks.

Dear Witherspoon,

Think no more of it. I was only too glad to take a pot at the brute. Far from your needing to thank me I should thank you for the compliment paid in turning to me in an emergency. An opportun- ity to test a cannon does not occur often.

My regards to your good lady. Dear Colonel Jackson, I still have not found words to express adequate- ly Ludmilla's and my continuing thankfulness for your immediate inspired response. It is not every day in Sussex that one finds an elephant charging across one's lawn.

Ludmilla considers that the least we can do is name the child Everitt after you, if it should prove to be a boy. In addition I would like to present the tusks to you, once the corpse is removed from the patio to the abattoir and legal complexities are resolved. (George Moor) Dear Sybil,

Thanks so much for your sweetly appreciative letter. Actually, you've solved one of life's tortuous little problems for us. Does one or does one not write after a mere Wine-and-Cheese? I said to Tom — we'll see what Sybil does — she's an absolute fount of comme-il-faut — if she writes, then one should — and you did! Why does one agonise over such things? — it took me an hour the other day wondering how to address Tim's crecheuse on an envelope — Mrs, Miss, Ms — or simply Wanda.

Love to you and Bill, Gretchen Dear Gretchen, Thanks so much for your too kind letter. Oh,

how I do so agree — social life is a quagmire for the sensitive — as to this matter of when one writes, Bill always quotes his old uncle — 'When you park your ass, you thank the lass' (Forgive him — he comes from the Northern Territory!) — a crude rule of thumb, but our own!

Love to you and Tom, Sybil (Martin Fagg) A: You really shouldn't have bothered to write and say thanks for the drink,

but I do like a b. and b. letter—

it makes such a difference, I think.

It was nice for the neighbours to meet you—

you see, we're a sociable lot; but none of the others likes writing; yours was the one note I got.

B: You really shouldn't have bothered to thank me for my little note, but I do so agree about writing, and had this in mind when I wrote.

I'm thankful to have such a neighbour, and dare say that you're thankful too; for you can write often to thank me, and I can write back to thank you.

(David Heaton) Dear Moray,

How kind to thank us so effusively for what I'm perfectly sure was no more than simple hospital- ity. We were delighted to receive your approval of our culinary, domestic and other arrange- ments — and your generous compliments to our

grooms (not all, alas, as assiduous as yours). I hope the inclement weather was no inconveni- ence. Thank you meantime for your most honoured letter.

Dear Lady, How flattering to receive your most elegant missive in response to my own feeble approba- tion. Words do scant justice to feeling; it was heartwarming to sense that some sentiments had successfully been expressed. Forbear from apol- ogy for the unfortunate incident of your grooms' behaviour. Domestic service is simply not what it was. Our congratulations, meanwhile, to the general on his proclamation as monarch. We shall to Scone, weather permitting, and hope your journey from Dunsinane will be restful.

(Len Wellgerbil) Dear Mr Creep, Words can hardly express my sense of profound gratitude and, dare I confess, pleasure, when I received your letter, with that exquisite hint of Filipendula Ulmaria, containing the gracious thanks for what was a simple act of Christian charity. May I convey, once again, my deep appreciation of your very civilised response? Accept my assurance, Sir, that I will, whenever humanly possible, move your milk-bottles out of the sunlight.

Yours in hopeful friendship and accord, Uriah Heep Dear (may I humbly aspire to addressing you as Uriah?), Truly abased by the trouble you have taken to reply to my insignificant missive. Incidentally, the smell is Agrimonia Procera, so you have really talented nostrils, for like Filipendula Ulmaria it is one of the Rosaceae. Will make desperate efforts to move my own milk-bottles, kind Sir.

I remain your extremely humble and most diligently attentive and friendly neighbour, Isa Creep (Russell Lucas)