No. 553: The winners
Trevor Grove reports: John Aubrey, alive, well and performing nightly at the Criterion theatre (where, it appears, he has just broken all previous records for non-stop loquacity) would undoubtedly have had something pertinent to add to the hagio- graphical controversy stirred up recently by the Pope. Competitors were invited to sub- mit extracts from 'A Brief Life of a Demoted Saint,' and for the most part went at it with a gusto and a respect for scur- rilous detail that would not have come amiss from the quill of the master himself. Yet for all the attention paid to the smaller vanities of Aubrey's style, references to the more obvious peculiarities and delights of his Lives were strangely absent—his ami- able, sly reliance on gossip as his ultimate authority, his passion for name-dropping, relish for schoolboy jokes and venial obscenities, dropp'd farts and the like. Best out of a large number of entries was Tim O'Dowda's, which earns him five guineas: Saint Venerea
. . . entering upon her Novitiayte as Sister Ingenua. she was shortlie after discover'd to be Pox'd. having been, it beseems (she being by her own Avouche unknown to man) Prey'd upon by an infectied Incubus. Where- upon, as Sister Syphilitica, she did heare the voyce of God calling her to abandoun her Nunnerie and punishe the Devil by cohab- iting with him in whatever earthlie guyse she mighte Detecte him (it being noted as Testimonie of His Satanic Majesties wili- nesse that the Vessels in whiche she dis- covere'd him were invariablie Riche and Well-Favour'd)... in which Exercyse of Heroique Vertue she dyed untimelie at twenty-three....
Three guineas to Fergus Porter: Saint Scru tin Saint Scrutin was borne in that parte of Europe which lieth beyond ltalye and was employed there for a shepherde. Rut his minde running on kattle of a different kind. 'twas saide that of the space of one nyght he coulde sighte, accost, board and triumph over one dozene maids or more. This sayinge that he could wonders worke by laying on of hands was mis-taken by his Bishop who, on his dying of excesse of striving, proposed him for a sainte. Now is his sanctity remoued. Since he ne'er sought it nor knew it attained, he woulde not count it losse.
Three guineas also to Vera Telfer: Saint George Some doe saye that he was a dishonest armie purveyor who, in our tyme, wolde have been ennobled in this worlde and not sainted in the next. Others doe declare that he was a martir in Cappadocia (quaere where is this place) who holpen the fyfth Henry at Agincourt in France. I have it from a seconde cosen, a nonne, that he slew a fiery draggon albeit. She sayde, a smalle matter and not to be compared with the driving out of snaykes by Sainte Patrik. It doth seeme to me that the glorie of a patron sainte and the power of his countrie are like two rogues whoe hang side by side on high and are cutt downe together for it is certaine that George once helde by Papists in uni- versalle esteeme may now onlic have locale veneration of the third classe in England.
Honourable mentions to Adam Khan, W. D. Gilmour, T. Griffiths and E. 0. Parrott; three guineas to W. F. N. Watson : Sayntes Deoch and Dorris of Benbecula They were Twinne brothers of the Western Isles, where they did succoure poor lost Travellers. These they did leade to their Dwelling and restaure to healthe with simple fare and hoam-brewed Cordialls. One Wynter's day they fownde a poore fellowe dead of Colde, when there came a voys sayeing 'Bringe Usquebaugh.' Whilest Deoch fetcht it, the voys snake agayne, sayeing 'Bringe Ale.' Then Deoch poured Usque- baugh, and Dorris poured Ale, whereat the Corse came instantly Alyve. These Sayntelye Brothers are reveered throughoute Scotland for this Miraculous drinke, called Usque- baugh-Chaycer.
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