The Dangers of Doodling

By STRIX

A. Extract from a Despatch, dated April 11, 1957, to the Foreign Office from HM Ambassador in Strelsau.

. . . Accordingly, without waiting .. for in- structions, I demanded to see the Foreign Minister, who acceded to my request for an interview with more promptitude than is his wont. . . . M. Paralles (who appeared to me to have aged considerably under the strain of the past three weeks) was wholly unable, and indeed scarcely attempted, to justify, his Government's decision to requisition for use as a military brothel the premises hitherto occupied by the British Council; and when I raised the question of adequate compensation he evaded the issue, which he attempted hi obscure by quoting an old Ruritanian proverb, I took the opportunity of suggesting , that neither" indecency nor irrelevance were the surest corner-stones on which to build the foundations of a new Anglo-Ruritanian under- standing; And, after briefly adumbrating the scope (though not, 1 need hardly say, the nature) of the measures which Her Majesty's Government might feel themselves obliged to adopt in the face of continued •Ruritanian in- transigence, I took my leave.

Throughout our conversation M. Parolles's ears were twitching more .violently than usual, and I feel bound to modify the scepticism ex- pressed in my dispatch (X /YZ 21227 of 17 March, 1957: Account of Official Reception in honour of Mr. F. Noel-Baker and the Lutterworth Trumpet-Majorettes) concerning recent rumours about his state of health. . . .

B. Extract from a Report, dated April 11, 1957, to the Dux of Ruritania from his Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs.

. . . The British Ambassador's request for an interview had been couched in peremptory terms, and on his arrival at the Foreign Ministry I arranged for him to be kept waiting for three- quarters of an hour. . . • Sir Hector's manner was agitated; I formed the impression that he is, or soon will be, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. The almost hysterical vehemence with which he protested against our action in terminating the lease of No. 43 Zitliacuplast provided further confirmation that our sus- picions about the so-called 'British Council' were correct and that the building has in fact been used as a centre of espionage and subversion. . . . When Sir Hector attempted to argue that his Government were entitled to some monetary compensation, 1 took the opportunity of re- minding him of our old proverb about the virgin and the louse. Although, like all his country- men, deficient in a sense of humour, Sir Hector seemed disconcerted by my leadesprit, and launched into a tirade—obviously intended to be minatory-Lin which such phrases as 'view with grave .concern; `seriously impair the fabric of and `appropriate measures' recurred. . . . 1 termioated the interview by saying that 1 had urgent matters to discuss with the Guatemalan Chargé d'Affaires. It is charitable to ascribe to the alcoholism of which he is notoriously a victim the altogether pathetic manner in which the Ambassador made his denzarche. . . .

WAIT FOR IT. •

`I am told,' began our host; then broke off to relume his cigar.

The huge lighter, raised suddenly into promi- nence from among the rest of the silver on the dinner table, was revealed as a sort of pretender- cruet, a vulgarian attached to a regiment in whose ranks it would remain always on probation. We guessed that it had been presented to its owner,. in a warm boardroom, by his colleagues and subordinates.

'I am told,' he repeated.

As the docile bulbous 'flame expanded and Con- tracted round the end of his cigar, the words floated about us in the contrived moment of suspense. They had been spoken with an offhand unction; we guessed the speaker to be very near the centre of affairs. His tone conjured up al vision of influential hands being laid on his sleeve as he prepared to enter a salon, of the C1GS's Rolls crackling the gravel of his Surrey drive ors a ,Sunday afternoon, of notes, scribbled on the back of order papers, converging on the Dis- tinguished Strangers' Gallery When he appeared in it.

His tone was not pontifical; it was weighty,. measured, 'auth&itative. He would not—he prob- ably could not—tell us all. He was unlikely to be indiscreet. We listened, nevertheless, ex- pectantly.

'I am told,' said our host, his great face wreathed in smoke like an idol's in incense, 'that the Government is far from happy about the in- ternational situation.'

He paused.

`Very far from happy,' he repeated. He put his enormous lighter back on the table with a small, but incisive, thud, and relapsed into silence.

CONCEDING A POINT 'But at least,' urged the minor politician's friend, 'his last speech had a certain cogency?'

The minor politician's enemy made a small, guileful gesture of assent and said : 'His utterances are always distinguished by the quality you mention. But the note struck is irrelevant, shrill and unavailing. His most cogent speeches remind me of nothing so much as the whistle of a passing locomotive which intrudes upon the broadcast description of a Test Match.' ' Of course,' he added, glancing sideways at the first speaker and infusing into his voice a note of generosity, 'such interventions hardly matter if nothing much is happening at the time.'

MANLY RESIGNATION 'Being cuckolded,' said the cavalry officer, 'is like going bald. By the time you realise it is happening, it is too late to do very much about it.'